China on Hubris: "Ain't nobody got time for that"

A quick deviance from today's topic - I'm hoping to head my blog into less egocentric waters and concentrate on issues and perceptions in China (don't worry it won't get too heavy, I'm planning to review dog fashions at some point). As weird and confusing as some of my personal experiences are, I'm hoping to tie them more into an understanding of Chinese culture and how expats fit over here in the land of Mao.

I want to open up daily China to the illustrious readers back home (aka friends and family who feel obligated to read my blog) and share the weird little tidbits you never knew about and don't hear on the news - from the dead pig party in Shanghai's river to the typical dishes we endure at a Chinese dinner with colleagues (chicken heads, really?!). Until you step off the plane and look around, you can't discover the many things that Lonely Planet and CNN don't cover - things that are interesting to see and important to think about when trying to get what it’s like halfway around the world.

This experiment is one I hope will be educational and still interesting, though it is in no way guaranteed to go well, so stick with me and we’ll try it out….

On today’s agenda we are examining China’s ostentatious manipulation of educational tools into ethnocentric propaganda. Or in other words….Look. At. That. Map.

China has taken an internationally-accepted idea (the map of the world) and changed it to satisfy the idea of Sinocentrism, or the belief that ancient China was the coolest place ever and way cooler and smarter than the rest of those barbaric places. I’m sure if they could have scooted the map a little over so that they were perfectly centered, they would have done so; after all, who cares if South America is cut in half? In fact, the Chinese name for China “中国”, or Zhongguo (pinyin, I’ll explain that some other time) means Middle Kingdom, or basically, we’re the center of the world, you uncouth savages.

Now technically Sinocentrism was abandoned in the past century or so, and they stopped publicly insisting Chinese culture and ideas were better than everyone else’s BS, but as evidenced by this map, that mindset sort of seems to have carried into today, no?

Way back when, the emperors of China insisted that they were emperors of the world, and any other ruler was technically under them (whether they agreed or not), and any other “sovereign” people were a tribute state (whether they knew it or not). It is said in the late 1800s that they gave that whole deal up, but you still have the Taiwan issue and oh yeah….doesn’t Tibet want out too?

You might have heard, but not read into the details of, a little spat the Chinese are having with the Japanese over this little place called the Diaoyu islands. Basically, it belongs to Japan right now, but it belonged to China at some point a long time ago and well, they still want them, damn it. That’s right….they’re bringing ‘dibs’ up to the international level. In fact, the Chinese were so insistent about this that last year we had some kind of city-wide alarm that went off and I panicked, thinking it was a tornado warning and ran outside to see where the tornado was (I’m from Texas….those aren’t new to me). However it turns out it was a warning system they were testing out for when the Japanese would supposedly invade. This is 2013, people. Not 1940. The paranoia and only-child syndrome got knocked up to a national warning? Someone didn't like to share their toys growing up (Note: I can say this, I AM an only child.)

I feel this map perfectly captures that sentiment that China has to the rest of the world – oh, you think this? Well we think THAT and we’re going to ignore any other ideas to the contrary. Case in point – look at this ACCURATE map of the world. That’s right – it’s the Middle Kingdom….in your FACE.

Full-time Contracted Procrastination

I haven't blogged in a year, and I doubt anyone is going to have a lesser life experience because of it.

Mostly I'm back because my job is......hit and miss at best when it comes to filling my time, and what's a more exciting pastime than bothering you people with what happens in my fairly sedentary life?

If you've ever seen my instagram or facebook you'll realize that most of my social media is based around my cat, and my other consuming interest - bitching about the weird/gross things that Chinese people do, is not properly represented as a major part of my life (I'm usually driving too fast away from the situation to get a proper picture).

Fear not! This mistake WILL be rectified and I will make an effort to gossip ALL about the eye-roll-worthy things that I see on a daily (hourly) basis. Until I can really get going on those, I'll leave you with today's sighting (a woven bamboo baseball cap with extra-long bill) and a brief update of the exciting happenings of the past year.

Some things that have happened to me in the last year (wins for most original title):
-I developed an obsession with Turkish food
-I handled my first home invasion of cockroaches BY MYSELF (with the assistance of xanax and screaming, and the added bonus of poisoning my silverware in the process of arming myself with Raid)
-Went home for a month at Christmas, realized I forgot to apply for my visa five hours before my flight, and took a three day detour to Houston (about 5 separate trips to the visa office), and changed my flight thrice
-Journeyed to Singapore via Bangkok and in addition to having an amazing time trying new food and attending a music festival, acquired a striped sunburn due to a misplaced cross-body bag

-Translated more than my fair share of Chinglish into semi-understandable English at my new job with a Japanese company that sternly looks down on tangled phone cords
-Ate chinese food once
-Rode a double decker bus, enhanced with kegs, on a Chinese highway and on the Bund because my friends are not as cheap as I am and do cool things for their birthdays

-Had my first ever business trip to Guangzhou, home of my frizzy hair and apparently sickening seafood, if my after-dinner experience was anything to judge by
-Wore an amazing flower headband in a mother-daughter trip to Southern China (thin mints essential)

-Learned approximately 5 spanish curse words and the word for "elbow"
-Survived a disgusting heat wave (highs of 108 degrees) that killed a fat candle in my window

-Got my scooter battery stolen, but not my unlocked scooter, because it is in such awful shape now -mostly due to the several times when I have tried to park and fell over - that no one wanted to steal it
-Tried kale


And the last is the most exciting and intrigue-worthy. What happened to Holly that she is eating vegetables on a regular basis now? Has she abandoned Velveeta? Ignored Doritos? Ostracized double cheeseburgers?!

I leave you with a mystery...

My Cats are Assholes

My cats are assholes. They find 430 am to be the perfect time to stick their face in mine and purr and batt my nose, because its time to get up damnit, and play. It relieves me to know that I can pick them up and toss them outside my room, shutting the door in their nosy faces, and pains me a little to think that unfortunately doing the same thing to kids is frowned upon in most cultures…maybe mine won’t tell. Then again, I like to pounce on my cats while they are sleeping, as that is when they are at their cutest, and this is simply payback. Clever bastards.

Talking about jerks (this is a fun post), a Chinese man today drove his scooter up beside me and immediately launched into telling me he loved me, and asked where I was going, where I was from, if I was married, would I like a Chinese boyfriend, etc. This kind of thing pisses/creeps me out so badly, mostly because I just want my privacy, and Chinese men seem to think nothing of the fact that you are sitting contentedly on your scoots, obviously on your way to do other laowai (foreigner) things that have nothing to do with them. Instead you obviously look like you WANT to be creeped on and have your personal space and comfort wrung within an inch of kicking his scooter over and running away to a laowai coffee shop where the Chinese dudes there are only giving you lattes and cheesecake and don’t know enough English to hit on you, or wouldn’t dare while their buddies are around to make fun of them.

This isn’t limited to Chinese guys either. I have friends (western dudes) that frequently get propositioned…..and yeah, in that way, by Chinese women. I’m not sure if it’s the green card, the taller stature, or the lack of really long pinky nails, but Western men are like leprechaun gold to these ladies,  but kind of in a sloppy way, and definitely in an intimidating one.

Do I go up to Asians in the USA and start badgering them with questions and making them uncomfortable to the point of actual fidgeting? Screw curiosity – there is a line of propriety that I think is only acceptably crossed at bars, while highly enbriated, and where your friends can bail you out and form a human wall between you and the stalker who doesn’t understand what stony silences and pained, prayer-like looks shot to the heavens mean.

I'm not sure if this sort of thing is culturally acceptable here, or creepers just get out of their mind with excitement when they see a sweaty foreigner with blonde hair...but I sure would love for it to stop. ENOUGH with the I-think-I'm-so-sneaky pictures you take of me on the metro..enough of the kissing noises  thrown at me by policemen when I haven't showered and am using my don't-mess-with-Texas-walk (guess it doesn't work)....and enough whispering to your friends then turning around and giggling at me - first, giggling is not nearly as dignified in men as you think it is, and second, I AM NOT IN A ZOO. Do not oggle me. 

Should I keep cringing, keep running? Or should I find a way to fight back...? It's a big enough problem that us laowai have developed a defensive strategy:

http://www.echinacities.com/expat-corner/when-china-stares-4-ways-to-stare-back.html

Death to Hello Kitty

Oops, been awhile - I promise, just as soon as I stop napping for five hours everyday, I will work on making up things to write about. Next blog: about my encounter with Jackie Chan, and how he asked me for advice on how to bitch slap someone....bwahahaha (I wish.)

One of the twin girls (15 years old) that I tutor was grilling me about stuff she could find and buy in America, because I've been raving about American clothes, which she says are "so very lovely", and we were finding quite a lot of interests in common (ok, so just shopping), when she suddenly dropped the bomb. She wrinkled her nose and told me, in a serious voice, "but I think your pens in America, they are NOT so lovely" waving her baby pink and glittery pen in front of my face; "this so beautiful" she said, "and I think America does not have like this". She then showed me her "lovely" notebook which was also pink, showing a cartoon cat, or possibly a llama, crooning love haikus and embellished with lots of bubble hearts and swirlies.

An example of weird decorations that you would probably only see in China...a cat and underwear hung up on a clothesline....on a moped.

I had no idea what to say, since every time I have seen that type of sophomoric decoration on pens, backpacks, notebooks, and clothes alike, I totally grimace. I was kind of offended, that she thought America didn't have "lovely" stuff to offer, but its incredible how different Chinese and American tastes are when it comes to embellishments.

Well no, we do not put baubles on top of our pens, making the act of writing nearly impossible; nor do we put animated woodland creatures on our notebooks declaring desperately romantic cliches like, "from when I wake up to when I sleep, you are my love!" - and this coming from a girls who declare their intention not to date until the ripe age of 22.

In the same way, I do not understand the appeal of Hello Kitty - that mature people (not just 15 year old girls) can be thrilled with such gaudy characters splashed over their clothes, school tools, and anywhere else imaginable, is something I just don't understand. The louder and more puerile, the better.

And now that I've offended approximately half of Asia, and a good portion of the feminine males too, I'll move on to the past couple of weeks.

It's almost been two weeks (holy crap, does time ACTUALLY go THAT fast?) since my mom visited - and she was most welcome. I begged her to bring me a healthy (ha) supply of butterfingers and Emergen-C, since those things are pretty much non-existent here, and she pulled through quite well. She brought me my winter clothes too, just in time for Shanghai to start becoming a bit chilly and windy. As to what we did (besides a lot of napping) - I surprised her with tickets to Cirque du Soleil Saltimbanco, which was really cool and surprisingly funny, and also made me want to work out a lot. The chance of me bungee jumping while performing acrobatic moves and displaying my flexibility and macho strength are fairrrrrly slim, but I think I would make a good Carnie. I kept having this little fantasy after we went that I would meet one of the carnies in the show at a bar that weekend and they would train me like how to juggle or touch my tongue to my elbow or something. Alas, my daydream didn't come true, but I'm keeping an eye out.

My mom came during a national holiday week (sort of like Communist fourth of July), but really I only got one day fully off, as I had to work Thursday and Friday. For some reason, they say that the whole week is a "holiday" and there's no school, but kids have to start going back to school on Saturday and Sunday - it's a very strange system. 

I may not have gotten a ton of downtime, but at least I got a lot of fun times, because a week after my mom left, Cliff Champion came to town! For those of you who don't know Cliff, he's a fantastic friend of mine who lived with me in Shanghai the first time I was here, studying with Pepperdine. Anyways, he's been in a super intense Mandarin program in Beijing, and took his holiday time to come to Shanghai (all to visit me, I'm sure) and brought some of his friends from his language program. I haven't gotten to hang out with them as much as I wished, mostly due to work and school, but I already can't wait for him to visit again. 

We and his friends had dinner at Angela Zhou's parents house (sadly, sans Angela), with a bit of a surprise. In Cliff's program, the students are not allowed whatsoever to speak English, or they get in trouble, and if they speak English three times, they are kicked out of the program. I didn't know until my way to dinner, that one of Cliff's teachers was coming to dinner, so they were only able to speak in Chinese the ENTIRE time. Basically I was relegated to the same rules, although I did use English occasionally, and what practice it was! They were all, naturally, better at Chinese than I was, but it was really good just to be talking about whatever and getting to used to speaking Chinese for hours, rather than just memorizing it.

I guess I must be getting used to speaking it more anyways, because I have been being approached by a lot of the Chinese people I see frequently, including the guards and maintenance people at my building and some waiters at a Xinjiang restaurant I go to sometimes, because now when they see me and I say hello, they wander over to talk and ask me questions about whatever they think I will understand. I had a conversation with three workers in my building the other day about my scooter - (not quite at my leisure - I was late, but didn't want to be rude) how much it cost, how fast it could go, how old it was, did i ever wash it, etc. One of the guards has even taken to saying "Hello!" in English to me when I pass by. Something, I can tell from his pronunciation, he has just learned to say, and I flatter myself to think he learned it because he learned he had an American in the building (totally not true).

A fun add-on: two Chinese people making themselves at home in a nice coffee shop - shoes off, snoring, and completely not caring.

Cheese Me

     Maybe its a weird blog post title, but I am seriously starting to jones for some foods that I can't get here, or that are far more expensive here - not the least of which is cheddar cheese. I guess its not really a stereotype that Asian people tend to be lactose intolerant, because cheese really does not exist here, unless its ridiculously priced at an imported goods shop, along with the outrageously expensive Doritos and frozen pizzas.
     I have been able to cook here, but only after going several different places, including one of my favorites - the Avocado Lady. According to Fabi, the woman who has a fruits/veggies shop not too far from my house started importing food items herself, after receiving a lot of requests from her foreign customers. She has nutella, spaghetti sauce, and even tortillas, along with a whole refrigerator full of cheese, which pretty much makes it my mecca. I doubt anyone knows her real name - she is just known as the avocado lady, but all the expats in shanghai seems to know her. I think I even glimpsed "The Avocado Lady" brand of copy, which means she stuck some coffee in a bag and sharpied it on, but I admire her entrepreneurial spirit.

     Since my last blog, I have started Chinese classes again at a different Miracle Mandarin campus, this time at one closer to my house. Ironically, even though I switched campuses, the guys from my last class are in my class at this new campus too! Needless to say, we've now earned a reputation at two campuses for being loud and crazy. We have one extra new student in our class, a girl from Tennessee, who fits in quite well. However, but study habits haven't changed too much, and several days ago and my teacher told me in Chinese that I wasn't very hardworking, but I was smart, which helped me. The sad part was I couldn't exactly disagree with her - I've never been spectacular at studying - I just didn't know EVERYONE could see my laziness.

     Perhaps I have an excuse though - in addition to going to school 20 hours a week, I teach English for about 20 hours a week as well, so anytime I don't have class or work I just feeling like flopping on my bed and reading or having a mini Modern Family marathon, which has been mostly what I've been doing.
     I do enjoy my tutoring sessions slightly more than when I teach younger kids (who tend to scream and throw things and poke each other). For instance, I took one of my students to an Italian restaurant and had him try a couple of dishes - including Tiramisu and mozzarella sticks. Some other girls that I tutor asked me for recommendation on where to shop when they visit the States next week, and begged me to bring makeup next week so they could see how to use it - being 15, they aren't allowed yet to wear it, which makes them absolutely fascinated. They live a bit far away but have a fantastic view from their apartment of the Oriental Pearl Tower.

     My mom comes and visits on Friday, just in time to bring my winter clothes, and in time for my one week October holiday break from school and work, which means I have a lot more time to do a lot more things; including hopefully going to the Shanghai Zoo, and lots and lots of sleeping in :)

Bumming it

One week past, and I have (sort of) been using my freedom from class wisely. I bought about 6 or 7 books on my iPad my first night of freedom - I decided to focus my reading on fictional dystopian societies - inspired by my love of the Hunger Games series (you really have to), with a couple randos thrown in because, hey, they were free.

I'm finishing up my fourth book, although I have to say I have been spending a lot of time catching up on my favorite TV shows too (Criminal Minds, how MUCH you have to teach me), and my hope that I would spend most of my time studying has prettttyy much remained that - a hope. Both Fabi and I though are trying to motivate ourselves to review practice so that we are ready when a new semester starts on Tuesday - I'm hoping that the mutual guilt trip we experienced talking about studying tonight (while eating at CPK), will force us to be good students tomorrow. Eh.....

I have been spending a little time on my guitar, determined to get my skills up to Kylie-Hughes-level (you're welcome) so that when I get back to the states, we can sing/play together, instead of me singing backup and awkwardly rocking back and forth during performances. I might still do that. 

Anyways, this was the first time I had to pick out the strings myself at the music store, and with sales people that didn't speak any English, I had to guess my way to the right set of strings. Still not sure if I got the right ones. I also strung my guitar myself for the first time, and continue to be terrified that a misplaced string will pop and strike me blind in one eye. It's not an unfounded fear, since I found out that I actually didn't really string it right. 

The only other thing I've been doing this week is teaching. I was at the English school I teach at all weekend, because they were holding "demo" classes all day long - a way for kids and parents to try out the classes to see if they want to enroll. I am one of only two Westerners who teaches there, so I taught more demo classes than any other teacher just so the school could show they had a white person on their staff. For some reason, Niels, the other Western teacher, who is a very good and experienced teacher, did not have to get there in the  morning, like me, or teach as many classes as me. They probably figured me for a sucker. 

I have to teach an art class this Thursday, strangely enough, at a Chinese elementary. Apparently they are making paper lions, and I have to tell them what a lion is, and what the "culture" of the lion is, whatever that means. You imported me to talk about big cats? Really?

I'm doing it though, because it pays, and so far I haven't started to get paid by the school, since I haven't started teaching my own classes yet.

I got an offer to be a rich Chinese guy's wife - just publicly - in return for getting my whole life paid for, and that is sounding preeeetttty sweet right about now. Besides the getting married to a chinese guy thing.

Friday: Forgot to add, when driving to CPK I saw a chinese woman pushing around a sleeping white baby in a stroller, and for some reason she decided to come up to me. I smiled at her, and she started poking at the baby - I thought to wake him up to say hi to me. Then she started tugging on his arms and legs and putting her hand behind his head to make him sit up - when he CLEARLY did not want to be woken up.....he kept trying to go back to sleep and this woman kept yanking at him and poking him to wake him up. Apparently her employer had just gotten in from France and didn't want her baby to be jetlagged? The chinese lady told me her employer didn't want him to sleep, but I seriously doubt she wanted her kid man-handled while being pushed around in the stroller to keep him awake. A traffic officer came over to watch and was putting in, 'Shui jiao le! Shui jiao le', which basically means, let him sleep! I finally got away from the kid after I picked Fabi up, and we felt so bad! Chinese ayis can take things so literally.

School's out for the sum- Aw, crap.

Today was my last day of Miracle Mandarin for two weeks - I will hopefully use this chance to become less of a slacker and study Chinese before my new semester starts, since I jumped in on the last three weeks and have no idea what the first 6 chapters of the book are about. I also want to catch up on my reading - I've been reading The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway, which I got as a going-away present from X Bones (if you don't know, theres a reason), and I also just watched The Motorcycle Diaries (I HIGHLY recommend it), so I think I want to read the book its based on - Che Guevara's account of his over 10,000 km trip through South America.

I am finally recovering from a nasty cold that has lasted two weeks, including a fever and several days off from school and some weird Chinese medicine that I actually think works a bit. I got a card today from both my Chinese teachers (everyone in the class did) and both of them mentioned "taking care of myself" and watching my health...so I'm already known as the sickly white girl - zen me hao de.

I did manage however to make it twice this week to the school I teach at in Minhang, and taught two different classes, even with a very scratchy voice. One of them was a "demo" class, in which parents attend and decide if they want to enroll their little Chinese haizi in classes. I was basically there just to look white, because I took the place of a guy from Holland who was supposed to teach, and taught for only about 20 minutes, stared at with fascination by all the parents the whole time. I guess thats why they pay me the not-big bucks - to look and sound Western. I do it well.

At XiangYang Lu here, we have a new roomie. Emily, who I met only a little while before she left, has returned to the U.K. for at least a month to work out issues with her passport and visa, so now we have Mariann, a Danish girl, living here for about two months. She's really cool, and I think living with two English-speaking roommates is good, because she is still working on learning English I think. Unfortunately we are both having to deal with our mice problem - there have been four in the time that I've moved in, and I've had to throw away two of them myself, which I do using a long mop and a lot of squeaks (from me and the mouse) - how do you say exterminator in chinese? Mariann isn't too disturbed by it though, which makes one of us.

By a really weird coincidence, she is dating the best friend of a guy that is in my Chinese class. It's really incredible how small the expat community can seem here sometimes - I bought my scooter from Fabi's roommate's (Mirna) boyfriend. It is supposed to be a rather numerous community, but I think a lot of people are older business people, imported by their companies, so people my age, coming here looking for work or just for an experience, make up a very interwoven and familiar group.

Fabi a couple of weeks ago met some guys at a U.S. Alumni Mixer that we call the "Americans". It's rather ironic, considering we are both Americans, but there are so few other 'Muricans that it is easiest to refer to them this way. I finally met them last Friday after hearing how great they were via Fabi, and I must say we agree. In a night where we started out fairly early at a disappointing happy hour at Cantina Agave, we made a pit stop at O'Malley's to meet up with a friend of Fabi's, then onto Kangaroo Bar to have Long Island Ice Teas with the Americans. Not only are the extremely large LIITs only 50 kuai (about 7 bucks), but the guys were so much fun, and for me, it was great to hang out on the weekends for the first time in weeks and not trying to translate Spanish very poorly (Many of my friends here speak spanish). We then went to Mural's 100 kuai all-you-can-drink night (again), and got crazy until we were kicked out at 2? 3? am. Made a little trip to Zapata's, where Fabi realized she left (and lost) her iPhone at Mural (no way any of those people get paid enough to resist selling an iPhone on the stolen goods market), and I ended the night around 4, taking pretty much of the rest of the weekend off, because I totally lost my voice after that night.

Needless to say, we hung out with the Americans again this weekend - having dinner at my apartment (my first, very successful attempt at cooking chicken wings in a homemade glaze), then going out to the Apartment the bar, which was probably not as fun as last weekend because it was so crowded and didn't leave much room for hanging out so much as getting drinks.

One of the guys, Hans, recommended a Muay Thai gym to me, so I'm going to check it out here soon, that I might continue some of my kickboxing training that I was doing with Kylie back in the states - I just love punching stuff so much.

Another unexpected close group of friends is my beloved chinese class - I've become pretty close with all the people in it, going out with them and going to their parties lately. Last week we all (and everyone else's significant others) went to a nice Indian restaurant where Sonu, an Indian girl in my class, ordered for everyone. I was actually surprised with how much I liked everything and ate a little bit too much. We then went out to a Chinese club, and some of us (me, of course) danced like fools for a bit. Unfortunately all the dancing on a very full Indian food stomach (actually NOT from drinking) made me sick later that night, but I still went out the next day, which was the night I met the Americans.

Yesterday however, was a bit more chill, and one of my classmates, George, had a housewarming party at his apartment. It started out as a patio barbecue party outside his apartment, with lots of food, mosquitoes, trash can punch, and King's Cup, then we moved it out later to a bar for dinner, then drinks with George's roommate's dad at the Swisshotel (sp?) later. I really like George's friends - his roommate, Erin, and Erin's girlfriend Amy are so great, and I met a new guy named Steve who, in addition to being so funny, speaks the best Chinese I have ever heard out of a non-Asian mouth. I am totally jealous.

Right now, in lieu of having classes, I'm signing up for a tutoring website that will match me to students (adults) who will hopefully pay me a ridiculous amount of money to practice speaking with an American accent with American idioms. As a girl, and a very white girl at that, I have high hopes for getting clients, as I need to collect money for my shopping fund. Oh and maybe to sign up for more semesters of Mandarin, but do we not have priorities here?